Posted by: Yankee | March 9, 2011

The opposable thumb

Bobby Gaylor – Suicide

Animals don’t have a choice. If they’re not happy with their place in the world… too bad. They have to live the life they’ve been given.

Humans, on the other hand, don’t have to. We have a choice. If you don’t like your place in the world you can get off anytime you want. Suicide. That’s right. You don’t like the way your life’s going, you don’t like the way you are in the world, anything around you, you can check out anytime you like.

Animals aren’t allowed that thought and believe me, if they were, they would use it. There’d be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by assholes that live in high-rises, diving out the windows. Zebras… if they even had remotely that thought would take a look at themselves and go, “WTF! Black & white in a green & brown world… this blows. I’m just gonna jump in the river…. I don’t have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife or even open a jar of pills. I’m just gonna dive into the next lion’s mouth. Why even bother?”

Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb so they could kinda do it the exact same way we do.

Now, there’s a bunch of people that say, “Oh, it’s against the law”. Well, it’s only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught. Other people say, “Oh, we should save them”. Yeah, well you know what? Not everybody wants to be saved. Not everybody should be saved. And who are we to force our will upon them? I mean, isn’t that one of the joys about being a human? Freedom of choice?

Now, it’s not all bad. Now, I’m not saying “Kill yourself”. But if you’re gonna be an idiot and do it anyway, it’s no sweat off of my back. There’s a lot of good that could come from it. A little bit of bad thrown in.

Some of the things:

A job will open. An apartment will become available. There’ll be more air for me. They say there’s two girls for every guy – if you’re a man, there’ll be four chicks for me. There’ll be more Ketel One vodka for me. There’ll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their fucking slips filled out. I won’t ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite salt & vinegar chips and have the clerk point at you and say, “They bought the last bag. You won’t help change the McDonald’s sign to “100,000,000,000 served”.

You’ll never get AIDS. You won’t have to worry about calories, ever. No more, “Hey, does this make me look fat?”.

There’ll be one less polluting human. You won’t have to recycle. There’ll be one less car on the road. There’ll be more Ring Dings for me. Fifty or so chickens’ lives will be spared.

Your fingers won’t ever get red from eating pistachios. You won’t be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore. No more church; you’ll be saying, “Hey, World – Kiss My Ass!”.

No more wet dreams about Supermodels. No more Barry Manilow (not for a few years anyway). Wondering “Am I a loser?” will be a thing of the past.

Say goodbye to crappy Xmas presents from aunts and uncles. You won’t have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion. Fuck flossing and brushing. You’ll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare. Adios, acne. Worrying whether you fit in or not won’t be on your brain.

See ya later, homework! You’ll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park. School’s out, forever. No more paying bills. You won’t have to do chores. You won’t be able to run over toads with the lawnmower, though.

You’ll also miss: McDonald’s french fries ; Bugs Bunny; the amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time [you won’t be able to watch the letterbox director’s cut of “Jaws”] ; candy; living above ground; pudding crust… You’ll miss the rush of getting your first apartment… Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to “Fuck off! I gotta make my own mistakes….you did!”

You’ll miss sex – you’ll miss thinking about it, looking for it, sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners… no more summer nights that seem to go on forever; roller coasters; naming your kid the name you always wanted; making a difference in the world; you’ll miss the experience and pleasure of hallucinogenics; watching your neighbor’s wife change clothes with her blinds open… a lifetime of masturbating …

Watching your favorite team sweep the series; music, you will definitely miss music ; trying to sneak into your house drunk, 3 hours past your curfew… you’ll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks; the taste of Captain Crunch… if you’re a boy, you’ll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl’s shirt – if you’re a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy’s pants

You’ll miss your favorite coat; waffles with whipped cream and strawberries; beating your friends at video games. You won’t be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be. You’ll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love, thirty years after the fact; the joy of giving and receiving at Christmas; skinny dipping; getting stoned; reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin; flying cars!

Hey, you were born! Finish what was started!



  1. Ce man, ti-ai adus aminte de wristcutters? Sau incepi sa educi masele?

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